Feeling Friday: FEVERISH.

So today started just fine, everything is just normal. Have fun morning activity, which is just so funny. Kerja pun sama jak, xda apa2 masalah, although there is a little nervousness sbb bila2 masa jak audit akan dtg. Tgh hari, masa pegi sembahyang pun xda apa2. Pasya, lunch skali ngan adik kmk ngan bf nya.

Abis lunch tringin rasa nak mkn eskrem. So beli la tek cornetto sigek. Chocolate, just like i like it.

Balit ke kereta, dlm kreta panas lalu. Bila sampei ke ofis, mcm besa g toilet lok. Biasa la, buang nok sbelom, sbb dah d isik baru masa lunch tek. Hehe.. Tgh menjalankn bisnes ya, tiba2 berkasik. Beberapa kali. KATA ORG, bukan sy k, KATA ORG, mun bekasik dua tiga kali, mmg ada org tgh mikir ttg kita ya. KATA ORG la, bukan kmk.

Then time dkt nak abis keja, tiba2 jak out of the blue, bekasik2 gik beberapa kali. Lalu terlintas la dlm hati, "Yah, kuat juak org tok rindu/ngenang/mikir kmk nektok." Tek konon nya la.

TAPI

Rasanya selepas kali ke 8 bekasik berturut2, tiba2 ingus just meleleh klua. Cair, lancar kedak aek paip. Ya tanda jelas, bukan nya ada org rindu/ngenang/mikir kmk gik, ya tanda nya kmk dah DEMAM!

Hahahaha!

Abis keja, balit umah, time mandik, aek dah rasa mula sejok2. Besa mun dah demam kelak nak mcm ais jak rasa. Nektok pun, masa naip tok, ingus meleleh2 jak. Biar la. Cdak duak adik kmk dah tdor, bpk ngan mak outstation. xda org ngga pun.



Dah la. Bagus tdor awal.. err.. "awal" maka udah tgh mlm. Hopefully kmk will be in someone's dream. If not in this universe or reality, kali somewhere in the distance galaxy.

Hey you, sweet dreams...

Yeah.. (Sad Tone)

Hopefully it is so..

Although i know i am just overreacting, simply assuming. Yeah, for an idiot that i am, i know i do it all the time. Hahaha.. Cali x? NOT.

Just that berharap has never been any good to me. i know i should stop doing that, but i kept repeating the same mistake berulang ulang kali.

Yeah.. (Sad Tone)

Unexpected

Tringat last Monday, something that is so unexpected so early in the morning. Even though it abruptly woke me from my sleep, but it made me smile. Thinking about it nektok made me smile from ear to ear.



Stay with me, please? i am here if you need me.
Hahaha.. wishful thinking.

Sweet dreams.

Gudnight, Sleep Tight

Well, my weekend was the same old same old.. still nothing yang to be excited about. Saturday, stengah hari mengabis pagi dgn tdor. Actually dah bgn awal, lam kul 6am giya. Ngga jam, terpikir "Maseh awal tok," sambung balit, then bgn gik kul 730am. Pkir gik, sambong lok stengah jam kakya mandik then g breakfast.

Pasya bangun last2 dah kul 1230pm. kuang.. kuang.. kuang.. Kakya sik jadi plan mok kluar. Ada juak rasanya mok g brunch ka apa, then xda kwn nak d embak, alu xjadi. So the whole Saturday just lunch dgn mee sedap jak.

Hahaha..

So yesterday morning was the first time kmk pegi ngundi. Pegi ngan cousin2, sama2 juak kmk org first time. Ya jak la crita hujung minggu. Sbena nya ada juak rasa nak g ngga Iron Man 3 lepas ngundi, dgr org madah crita ya best, and again.. xda geng, so duk umah jak la.. hahaha..

Nektok maseh nggu apa full result GE#13 tok.

Bukan nya apa nggu announcement public holiday jak. xda lain. sapa xmok nak owh? Dpt juak nambah sehari gik cuti kmk tok. Hehe..

Anywho, in my head right now, thinking,"how i wish that i could stay up late with someone special watching this together."

Someday, insyaAllah.

Gudnyte, sleep tight.

Feelin Friday: Someone Out There?

So marek ngan ritok kmk cuti. After 5 bulan, kmk baru cuti. Cuti pun maseh byk juak lagik. So smua hari yg kmk start rilexing dari 1 May riya, 5 hari la smua nya termasok weekend tok kelak. Cuma nok xbest nya, xda plan g cne2. Just dudok umah jak, main game, ngga YouTube, "kemas bilit" and of course, paling penting: tidor petang, bukan slalu dpt nak owh.. then mlm susah mok tidor..

Hahaha..

Ritok tek, lekak anta adik kmk pegi keja, g breakfast skejab mkn roti canai. Rasa nya lmk udah sik mkn roti canai awal pagi weekdays, memandang kan kerja non stop jak spanjang 5 bulan tok. Bukan nya apa, kmk give way bah org lain cuti, sbena nya spatutnya kmk ada cuti juak last month, tapi atas sebab2(kerja juak & ada org emergency leave) kmk mpun cuti brought forward, so come to this day la.

Anyways, masa kmk dudok mkn consentret sambel main candy crush, ada beberapa org laki dudok sbelah, xlmk dgr cdak tetak2, duhal cdak ya tek ngenjen ada mpuan yg boleh tahan juak cute nya dudok d meja sberang. kmk sik juak lalek, tp nok molah kmk rasa sikit suk, bila cdak laki dah crita2 sama cdak sndirik, kmk rasa mcm kenak perati.

you know that feeling. then kmk jelin skejab si mpuan ya tek, duhal nya tgh ngusha kmk(i know.. i know.. perasan santan jak kmk sbena nya) senyum jak la kmk, skali nya senyum juak.. so kira kompom la nya perati kmk.. hehe.. perasan.. perasan.. nok cali nya, si mpuan ya mkn sorg2 jak.. impossibru? biasa nya mpuan cute2, kacak2, lawa2 xda mkn sorg2.. mustahil kata org melaya.. i honestly don't know.. sbb xda juak peneman ngagak dudok mkn dgn nya..

kmk pun cun2 juak dah abis mkn, time kmk byr, jelin kmk nya skali gik, senyum lagik nya ngan kmk.. again, i know.. i know.. nang perasaan kmk yang perasantan ya.. kali ada bekas kari or roti tetinggal kat mulut ka kali, kat baju ka kali, or aek tetumpah kat sloa ka kali.. ada juak kmk ngecheck bila dlm keta, tp xda juak..

yala dlm hati kmk mikir,

"maseh ada juak daya penarik kmk tok, ingak tek udah basik"

hahaha.. 

maybe kmk should get out more nak owh? ne la tauk dlm pada masa ya, jumpa la aher nya dgn jodoh.. hahaha.. lawak 20sen kata kita biak dolok marek.. ok la biak baya kmk dolok marek..

then again, *PART EMO TOK*


i can only say that i have nothing to give. i am neither good looking nor am i wealthy. Cuma yang pasti jak, when i love, i love completely. when i care, i care deeply. when i missed someone, i missed them dearly. ya pun entah, samada a gift or a curse.

as one thing that kind of annoys me, it feels sometimes like that i am just a transit. oh well, maybe i am WRONG. of course la i am definitely wrong, but just that, kmk feels this way.

it is unfortunate that kmk rasa yg i am only needed only for feeling in jak, you know, utk ngisik ruang sementara jak la bah..

i know kmk shouldn't think this way.

~sigh~

i guess the reason that kmk start dah balit emo tgh tgh mlm tok is, kmk is thinking of someone, yeah, even if mmg mustahil ngan impossible, kmk just hope that somebody out there is thinking of me too..

Stay Safe, Jaga Dirik 2.

My story of the day is really something that i myself x jangka akan berlaku dlm my family. Not my own family but my whole family in general. Semoga menjadi pengajaran & peringatan utk dirik kmk sendirik and hopefully for those who are reading this also.

Benda2 mcm biasa nya kita baca dlm newspaper or kita sendirik pikir xakan berlaku kat keluarga kita or extended family. Nang x sangka juak la bnda tok terjadi.

Well camtok, situasi nya agak sama dengan kes2 nok udah berlaku & d laporkan dalam TV, dlm newspaper even dlm blog2 org. Pernah dengar mpuan lari dgn foreigner? X kisah la, org afrika ka, org pakistan ka, org turki ka, org indonesia ka or org puteh nok dari bermacam negara d seluruh dunia tok.

INGAT TOK:

Kalau maok berkenalan ngan org foreigner dlm apa2 juak media social kat internet tok, berkenalan la, xkesah, even kmk pun ada kwn dari media social nok kenal dari bermacam cara temu, ada dari sama minat band, ada dari sama minat genre movie, ada sama minat main computer game, yes kmk ada mcm2 jenis kwn luar negara yg dari mcm2 latar belakang.

The thing is right now, if you are a woman, and.. kmk have to put this lightly in terms of words. If you're a woman and looking for someone utk cerita2 ka, kenal2 ka ngan org lelaki foreigner, you know, just to kenal2 ajak, fine by all means xda org melarang.

But.. if org ya.. how to say this.. start to be "extra" nice, compliment lebih2 or may even meluah perasaan ka. Please by the love of god, take extra precaution. If he even say that maok sik travel ke luar negara utk jln2 ka, utk ngagak nya ka, even perhaps offer tolong carik kerja bagus nok lebih bagus dari nok dlm Malaysia tok sendirik.

INGAT: RED FLAG!

Of course kmk xpat juak nak mdh jgn xpercaya langsung. or mmg sidak tok org jaik. BUT.. SERIOUSLY MOST UNFORTUNATE cases and KEBANYAKAN nya adalah PENIPU! Especially mun udah kenal "LAMAK" tek konon, bait bahasa nya(remember it is only online), or if skyping, handsome camne pun org ya, mcm Shah Rukh Khan ka, mcm Ryan Rosling ka, mcm Antonio Banderas ka, if nya start being lebih "bait" dari biasa kata org, ngan torg mpuan, you must trigger something in your head:

IF THIS GUY IS FOR REAL?

Aok mmg la nya real, manusia, i did not meant alien or hantu. BUT what i meant is, is he who he says he is. Mun nya mdh nya lawyer, how are you to know? Mun nya mdh nya kali la konon tek humble, just delivery man, how are you to know? Nya kali d sebelah bumi, kita d sitok, how are you to know?

Byk udah kes mpuan Malaysia jadi keldai dadah nok d laporkan, and based of apa nok udah kmk baca dari akhbar or internet sik smua berjaya d selamatkan, mbak balit ke Malaysia. Byk nok maseh dlm penjara d seluruh pelusok dunia. Wallahualam, nok x d lapor entah berapa byk. Ngan entah camne ndak ka nasib cdak ya.

Byk d janji kan duit lumayan, kerja bagus, cinta or even just a chance to travel ngga tempat org. Aher nya kenak tipu, jadi ejen dadah. Even ada nok udah tauk tapi maseh mok juak ngekot sbb semata2 mok ambik duit cara senang.

Bukan nak persangka burok ngan cdak laki foreigner tok, tp udah berlaku dlm family sendirik, what am i to say more?

Lebih2 lagi bila nok terjadi tok, seorg isteri. Kmk xtauk apa motivasi nya utk ngekot lari ngan org kedak ya, sampei sanggup ninggal anak2 nok maseh kecik. Kmk xmok.. sbena nya xsanggup tyk lebih2 sbb ngga org nok teraniaya ya nang nampak kecewa & marah bila ngenang isteri nok d sayang molah nya camtok.

All that i can say now is, smoga yg teraniya ya tabah menghadapi dugaan dari Allah nok nang besar tok. Apatah lagik dgn menjaga anak2 nok maseh kecik. Semoga d berik kekuatan, ngan d berik petunjuk utk meneruskan hidup lepas tok. Kmk org akan nolong nok ne nok termampu.

Utk yg lain2 please stay safe, and jaga dirik bait2.

Will The Future Be Fine?

So yesterday, as kmk megang my baby niece for the first time, flood of thoughts came into my head.. Some or most of the questions from time to time, ada slalu d ulang2 kmk in this stupid blog of mine. i guess this could clearly show what a mess i am.

of how insecure i really am.
of how unreliable i really am.

entah la, kmk x tauk camne nak menjelas kan the feelings and thoughts yg ada dlm hati ngan palak kmk tok. because IF someday someone finally sees something in me and wants to be besides me going forth into the unknown future and.. molah kmk terfikir..

someday in the future;

will i be a good husband for her?
will i be a good father for my child/children?
will i be a good son in law for her family?

i know, nang totally idiotic ngan stupid mun fikir camtok bah.

The thing is kmk nektok pun xterurus dgn dirik sendirik, camne la nak jaga anak org or moreover anak sendirik kelak. Tp teringat juak ada org mdh ngan kmk, i think my former colleague kali ka sapa time ya; nya mdh don't worry, when the time comes you'll know what to do.

i guess i shouldn't be terlampau gilak apa nama nya, terlalu over gilak fikir tentang tok.. eerr.. ada tiga perkataan yg sama maksud sia.. haha.. Bukan nya apa, lets make it simple la, i look up to my dad. He has done a lot for our family, blood, sweat, sacrifice and much much much more usaha nok kmk org anak2 tok sik tauk and cuma nya ngan mak kmk jak yg tanggung.

So i know, i am not even half the man my dad is. i know i am not even a good big brother to my younger siblings. How can i, being the "man" that i am now, can take care of another person well being..

Hahaha.. Mcm2 jak..

Also, actually..
is thinking of someone nektok and tetak kedirik, why should i do so.. i don't even deserve her. Hahaha.. May Allah bless you woman! thank you for giving me the attention, can you please stop going into my head when i wanted to sleep(PERASAN).. hahaha..

What the hell am i doing thinking about this and ngerepak tgh2 mlm tok, nak owh?
Don't worry. InsyaAllah, dgn usaha & doa everything will be fine. Hopefully. Amin.

And Also..

Story of my life..

and also knowingly it is pointless to hope..
and also the fact that i am idiot as well..




(harap2 by emoing before i go to sleep, kmk will get her into my dreams... again)

Oh So Funneh..

Oh life...

Heran, pelik bin ajaib. i guess its my subconscious mind response utk kmk mpun emoing last night. Sampei kan termimpi nya. Mun ekot kajian nok pernah kmk baca, mimpi, mimpi2 biasa, sbena nya adalah respon dari minda spara sedar atas apa nok berlaku dalam idup kita masa kita bangun/sedar.

Jadi lets say la, d siang hari kita sik sempat molah sesuatu. Then sometimes, kita akan termimpi molah benda ya, just utk melengkapkan "tugasan" utk hari ya.

Ada juak kajian madah mmg ya hasil dari minda separa sedar, tp in exact word nya, how our minda separa sedar response to stresses in life.

Well i guess in kmk mpun case, nya in response to my emoing tgh mlm tadik. Hahaha.. i know i put way too much stress atas dirik sendirik in terms of this matter of heart. Of course that is just me. Sampei kan termimpi, and mimpi kmk ngan nya jadi spy. Mcm siri crita Chuck. Sapa pernah ngga nang tauk.

First time rasa nya kmk mimpi kmk jadi spy tok. Haha.. And of course, nok jadi goofy nerd spy ya kmk la sapa lagik, and the ever beautiful sarah is her.

Dlm mimpi ya, kmk duak molah sigek mission, and bila scene kmk, kmk perlu buat sesuatu, tp mimpi ya xabis. Kmk woke up waaaaayyyy to early than kmk mpun usual time bangun dari tdor. Even lebih awal dari alarm. Haha..



Hence, kmk blogging awal pagi tok. Hahaha..

Kali, even though mlm tadik, masa emo ya, i feel like giving up or letting go, then mayb tok cara minda separa sedar tok coba utk mujok dirik kmk sendirik.

i don't know. Haha.. xtauk la.. entah la.. oh life..
Y U So Funneh..

i Don't Deserve You.

Even though this is true..

i know i don't deserve you.
Nor should i be anymore hopeful..

Someday? Maybe? Hopefully?

Someday?
Maybe?

Hopefully?

Wishful thinking jak la..

via Your Modern Procrastinator tumblr.

Beli buku ya sitok and sitok, oleh Philippa Rice.

English:

Buy the book here and here, by Philippa Rice.

Sweet Dreams..

Balit keja tek, ngga kat langit petang, bulan nang bulat & besar lalu jak kluar. Seolah2 bulan ya mun d agak dekat dapat pegi sia kali.

How i wish that mun kmk ngga bulan ya, and thinking about someone, and that someone looks up at the moon and thinks of me too. Kadang2 kmk imagine juak that the moon somehow could amplify my feelings so that the intended person can "feel" it. Hahaha.. Nang wishful thinking jak la..

Just mejin jak klaka ngan nya, "Hey you, sweet dreams!"

Oh Well..

Alhamdullilah.

Syukur alhamdullilah di atas rezeki yang datang. Kmk bebena bena bena nang bersyukur, sbb xpernah rezeki datang sampei macam tok skali. Ofkos, kmk kenak juak beringat dgn dirik sendirik, udah ada kesenangan macam tok, jangan la nangga udah ada sikit duit ya alu nak boros sampei xingat dudi ari ada ka sik susah imerjensi ka apa.

Alhamdulliah.

Tapi..

Maok xmaok, kmk have to say the truth, even dalam this somewhat brief period of happiness, kmk xpat nak bebulak juak. i am feeling terribly lonely. TERRIBLY. LONELY.

SO SO TERRIBLY TERRIBLY LONELY.

Of course, kmk do have my own family to selebret it with bah nak? Then again, i wanted to spend this brief moment of happiness with a significant other. xjuak la nak madah someone special, tp close to that or somewhat camya la.

OH WELL.. just wishful thinking kata org puteh.

Mun pikir balit nak, ada juak menyusup elemen sadness dalam hati tok. Hahaha..

Cali juak mun mikir. Well, just the story of my life.

When i feel that little bit of happiness, i still feel lonely.
When i overcame with sadness, i feels terribly terribly terribly lonely.

Xpa la i guess. Kali tok dolok datang, then dudi dudi la that special someone will be here next to me. Mun. Highly unlikely, but then again what to do?
Just a story of my life.

Feelin Friday: Thinking About You.

Thinking About You.



Can't help it, but is thinking of you, even though dekat2 mok tdor tok. Should be sleeping by now, but the fact that you just cross my mind just now, just makes me sigh..

i know it is highly unlikely that you'd be thinking of me. Then again, the fact of life, you can't have all that you wish for.

Ya jak la.

(Sweet Dreams)

Too Much Thinking Early Morning Tuesday.

Have ktk org(my imaginary reader/s) ever in a situation where, you so "desperately" wanted to text or chat or call the person that is currently occupying your mind tapi x maok nampak desperate or needy or CRAZY?

Have you?
Have you?

No?
i thought so, mmg la kmk ajak. LOL..

Because.
kmk is an idiot like that. Pathetic and idiotic.

Kmk dah, prepare la things to say or what kmk think that should sounds normal to say, in me head. Even kmk repeatedly ulang2 dlm palak, just to perfect it, just so that kmk xsalah cakap maybe, or... something.

Plus kmk ada taip udah dlm henfon, dlm notes, just in case kmk need to tukar ka sikit2 ka camne.

i KNOW!

Stupid right?

Then again, xda juak kmk sent or do it. i KNOW! Stupid right?!

Kmk nang such a mess la. Which if a girl to not want me after knowing this, its okay la i guess. i know that i am not a good example of a guy anyways.



Although the only thing that kmk really wanted to say is:

Ya jak sbena nya..

Wishful Thinking.

is feeling sad and lonely right now.

plus

is thinking of someone right now too. yeah, cuma dpt ya jak la, thinking of.. missing.. 

does she feels the same? highly unlikely.

Wishful thinking..

wishful thinking jak la.. 

Even though kmk is in a really down ngan depressed mood lately, hopefully.. actually, ada sbena nya someone out there IS thinking and missing kmk tok. Just maybe kmk tok yg too blind to notice.
and sticking to that notion..

(Sweet dreams)

Feelin Friday: Too Easily & Too Fast

Too Easily? Too Fast?

...
...

Kmk just hated the fact that kmk have the tendencies to make up assumption based on little or to no actual fact. This can be of anything but especially in terms of love.

 Kmk nang tuyuk.

What i thought kali there was something, the actual fact, xda apa2 sbena nya. Kmk jak yang cuma terperasan lebih. i guess kmk just making the same mistake all over again.




Too Fast..
Too Easily..

Kmk try(as much as i can) and tried not to be too hopeful, then again kmk do that anyways subconsciously. Which is one of the many things that kmk hate about myself.

Welcome to Feelin Friday.

or Sad Saturday..

Tired Tired Tired Tuesday.

Argh..

Ritok nang lelah lelah lelah selelah lelah nya. Ne ndak marek abis keja kul 11:15pm, dari pagi nya kul 8:30am. Walaupun keja kmk sebenanya bukan lah kerja yang melibat kan banyak tenaga dari badan tapi penggunaan palak otak.

And yang mana memerlukan konsentrasi ngan dedikasi spenuh nya. Ya jak la tek, mun palak otak kita lelah, of course sluruh badan akan merasa kesan nya. By the end of the day, otak ngan badan dah bena bena lelah, rasa xdpt ngan xda tenaga utk meneruskan lagik, tapi d sebabkan kerja perlu d siap kan & xdpt nak xbring forward lagik, maok xmaok tepaksa juak ngabis sampei ke larut malam.

So bila balit umah, lekak mandi apa smua, nang peng terus.

Ingat tek ritok ada la rasa segar, sebab dah tido terus lekak balit keja. Tapi nang udah sleep pattern kmk yang xbagus, kmk mala jak terbangun tengah malam juak, then ritok tek. Kmk xsesegar & secergas dari pagi tek.

By lunch, kmk udah macam Ultraman mok abis tenaga lawan monster..



Dapat kmk mejin, mun kmk la Ultraman tek, nang power level kat dada kmk ya blinking blinking non stop. Sampei kan tgh tgh bizi keja kmk hampir hampir hilang konsentrasi.

Seolah olah roh kmk mok keluar dari badan rasa nya, menguap entah brapa byk kali. Even though kmk ke toilet dua tiga kali utk berpungas muka, tapi maseh juak otak, badan kmk dah low lalu power level. Entah mun ada bantal d berik, nang bekuroh kali kmk tido d opis.

Haha..

Nektok mok tido tapi maseh belom juak rasa ngantok tok dtg. sigek gik nok sik best nya, nektok kmk kenak silent treatment. Which is sucks. And it is all my fault. And i deserved it. :(




i guess, i just give her, her space for now. If she ever needs me, i'd still be here.

Oh sigek gik, kmk xpandei mujok org. Which is sucks, oh well.. i suck anyways, and not to forget stupid as well..

....
....

and now suddenly i missed her..

~SIGH~

Sad Sad Sad Saturday.

Hari tok nang xbagus nasib. RM500 terbang giya jak. Tapi kmk nang kenak tipu la. Mun org ya jujor and mungkin la(harap2) nya kali tek terlalek and salah engkah duit then nya sedar nya salah tudoh and dah terlebih ambik duit and hopefully akan pulang kan balit, Alhamdulilah la, tp mun nya x, and for some reason or another nya ada niat nak menipu, kmk nang xhalal duit ya.

Org lain pun susah juak, in different situation, in different type of life. Tapi ya bukan nya boleh d jadikan alasan utk menipu. Kerajaan dah merik duit free, syukor la. Rupa xjuak mcm "org susah" dalam erti kata org susah sbenar. Cuma nya layak dlm definisi yg d tetapkn jak utk terimak ihsan kerajaan.

Bukan nak beburok sangka, tapi mun and of course mmg udah ada jenis org nok mmg jaik ngan opportunist kedak tok.  Nya ngga org tok senang jak nak d tipu i.e kmk, alu ambik peluang. Kmk nang xhalal duit ya. Biar Allah jak membalas nya dudi hari. Amin.

Well..

In time like this la, kmk wish that kmk ada org nok dpt kmk kongsikan kmk mpun frustration ngan somewhat  hidden anger tok. Kmk may look like kmk calm and collective tp sbenanya rasa nak marah bena dgn situasi tok. Come on, RM500 ya bah.. Ya kira belanja sbulan makan bah. Cuma what's the point, benda dah jadi, and kmk at that time, in a situation yg chaotic juak, so xtauk how and what had happen. Then kenak ambik peluang oleh org gik, arrggh.. fuck la.

Geram, marah, kecewa.

And funny thing, kmk cuma dpt melepas kekecewaan tok dgn bercakap sorg dirik d sitok.

Sometimes, in times like this, where xda apa nak d polah gik. Cuma nak just cakap jak la apa2 ngan seseorg utk mengilang kan rasa geram, & kecewa tok dari hati nok panas ngan dlm kesedihan tok.




i am so lonely.

LOL.

Feelin Friday: Stolen

Stolen?



Truth be told. i have a bad self esteem and self confidence issues. issues with myself. issues that kmk have for the somewhat the most of my life. Imagine this, where in some situation, whatever it is, in that perticular situation one would, normally for most normal person, one get a confidence boost, tapi mun kmk it would happen the exact opposite with me.

Well, there is someone like to "flirt" with me. The reason kmk engkah "..." adalah sebab in my completely somewhat deranged and PERASAN mind, that kmk think she might "flirt" with me. Haha.. Sbb the way she is when she is with me. The thing that she does is both flattering and scares me both at the same time.

Flattering: Of course la... if ada someone secantik(sekacak: bhs melayu swk), have complete confidence with herself, ngan elegantly independent, suddenly "flirt"(PERASAAN PERASAN KMK LA) or treat me differently, kmk rasa suk, or simply feeling good. Truthfully la, kmk suka like that. kmk really seriously appreciates it so much. hmm.. "suka like that"? haha..

Scares: YES. like kmk said previously, i have a bad self esteem and self confidence issues with myself. i am easily discourage ngan easily loose keyakinan ngan dirik sendirik. Why? Sounds stupid right? Well partly because i am stupid. Haha.. Because in me head, kmk heran, what does she sees in me? You know, when kmk sees nothing that is of good quality in myself. i know, that self degrading is not good. But kmk subconsciously do that to myself sometimes.

Yang kmk heran she is so so so much better than me. Kmk rasa that kmk is not worthy of her, and yet, this beautiful beautiful beautiful person, is ya Allah, treats me so good and giving me the attention that kmk don't even should d berik in first place. Bless her! and THAT FUCKING SCARES ME!

Hahaha..

Perhaps scares is too much of a strong word. kmk rasa intimidated paling sesuai. Mun dlm BM intimidated would probably suited ngan "segan". tapi segan mpun meaning xsebrapa kuat. in my opinion la. But i hope that you guys my imaginary readers would understand la. KALI.

 Yes, beautiful, confident and independent woman, intimidates me. SERIOUS.

Because..

Kmk am not any of that. i am immature, low self esteem and unreliable "man". Sucks. i know. Kmk feels that kmk don't deserve such attention from such a beautiful beautiful beautiful person. kmk don't deserve any of it.

YET.

The more she does it, the more she stole(and stealing) something from me. Well....


(Sweet dreams you)


Welcome to Feelin Friday.

Sorry For My Stupidity.

You know what sucks?

When you said something although at that moment in time doesn't seems to have much impact, then suddenly you're realised that you're the one inadvertently caused someone else's blood and sweat hard work gone to waste. i know i am at fault here. Stupid.

STUPID. i am stupid.

Yeah, i guess, the lesson here is, if you're not too sure, just shut the fuck up.

i am now feeling down. So down because i have let someone down. All the hard work done has gone to waste, just because, i, in one way or another, have done or better put, said something that is just clearly not the right information.

Oh god damn it.

If there is some way that i could really show how sorry i am, i would do it in a heartbeat. Then again, whats done is done, nothing can change that now.

i guess i don't have the capacity to properly weight in or see how much hard work people have done behind the scene. i know i am that stupid. STUPID.

i guess sorry is meaningless in this situation, but i truly am.

Sorry for not realizing the huge mistake it was in the first place.
Sorry for saying something without properly seeking the correct information.
Sorry for throwing your hard work down the drain.
Sorry for letting you down.

i know there is no way i can make up for this, please excuse my stupidity and i'll be more careful for what i say next time, or i just better shut the fuck up.

Please forgive me.
Sorry.

Upset: Laptop Rusak.

Aaaaarrrrgggghhh..

Upset yes, tapi xla sampei raging(marah gila), buuuttt.. close and almost. Laptop kmk rosak kipas nya. Okay, if by any chance you guys, my imaginary readers sik faham? Let kmk explain.

Laptop, modern one, or.. eerr.. "lastest" ones, please mind the "..". Nektok modern laptop ada duak igek kipas, biasa nya sigek kipas utk CPU and sigek gik utk GPU. If antara salah satu daripada sigek kipas tok rosak, or even both then, bak kata org puteh dalam movie, you're screwed.

Sebab nya, kipas ya berfungsi utk menyejukkan CPU & GPU(if ada dlm laptop, most modern one do) daripada terlampau panas and rusak. So, if ktk org mpun laptop suddenly pandei padam sendirik, nya ada display madah "this laptop will shut down.." or something in that manner, or even just padam terus kedirik. Meaning CPU laptop ya udah terlampau panas way beyond threshold and nya mpun security built in akan terus shut down laptop ya sendirik.

In which what my laptop did. Luckily, mun makei Windows 7, if the laptop supports it, kita leh engkah power option nya pegi ke Battery Saver or Low Consumption, or something in that manner. So i have to make do with that. Laptop kmk still leh hidup, up and running. At the moment la.

BUT KMK X DAPAT MAIN GAME! FFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!

Sbena nya kmk udah order laptop baru, tapi maseh blom sampei. Which also close to enrage me. Sebab lamak udah order tp belom ada juak.

The fact that since a kid and sampei nektok, kmk nang gamer, so mun xdpt main game feveret, rasa nang xtauk how to put in words. Bored ada, boring gila ada.. haha..

So now, i am reduced to only browsing the web & ngga YouTube jak. Which is... sooo freaking

BORING!

LOL!

Feelin Friday: Missing.

Missing as in Rindu.



Sometimes i can't just help it but kmk like to imagine that perhaps someone would missed me, just as kmk thinking tentang org ya. Wishful thinking. Wishful thinking but hopefully in an alternate universe, ada org serupa kmk dlm dunia ya. That kmk dlm dunia ya when kmk have someone in mind and missing that person, the person would feel the same.

It may not happen in this reality, but if such a thing wujud, harap2 la kmk dlm dunia ya would be in love and be love.

(i missed you)

Welcome to Feeling Friday.

Kesah Kasut...

Kmk have always been a shoe person. Apa nok kmk meant by that is, kmk xsuka makei slepar. Nang dari zaman sekolah menengah dolok, semenjak kenal sukan ekstrem that is Skateboard, kmk xsuka makei slepar. Mun bejalan ka, bersukan ka(of course la), even masok lam utan pun kmk maseh makei kasut.

Mun kmk bebeli kasut, kmk nang carik jenis kasut skate, sebab kasut skate, rasa nya comfy tp sik terlalu nipis rasa. i meant, kasut skate biasa nya nang fit yet comfortable. Sebab sukan skate nang ekstrem juak, so kasut ya mesti dapat tahan dengan apa2 jak jenis keadaan nok akan berlaku. Mun kmk makei kasut ya, kmk rasa kaki kmk fully protected.

So..

Malam marek, mak xtauk mok masak apa k makan malam, then bpk suroh pegi beli KFC jak. Bila sampei ke Boulevard, heran sebab kaki macam berpasir jak bejalan. Bila masok Boulevard bok perasan, kasut belom becuci sejak dari kampong ariya, about rasanya tiga minggu lepas kali, counted minggu tok juak.

Nang kotor lalu jak kasut kmk. Sebab balit kampong ariya, hari nang ujan jak. Tanah pun becak. Kmk ngekot pegi kubur pun tanah sia nang becak juak.

Meaning to say, kasut kmk maseh ada tanah kubur juak. Nope. Not kidding. Apa nak d takut? Bukan nya ada apa2. Tanah kubor nenek kmk juak ya. Mun nak d ekot ati, nang kmk xmok nyuci kasut kmk ya. Bila nangga keadaan kotor kasut kmk ya, nasib juak kmk xjadi keluar hari marek.

Kira nya marek nak keluar g brunch. Sebab lamak dah rasa nya xkluar g makan. Nasib. Mun kmk kluar juak, nang malu jak rasa mun sedar kasut maseh kotor. Nasib xjadi. Sebab kmk xda kasut lain lagik nak d pakei ke sine2.

Nang jaoh jak rupa nya dari masa kmk mula2 beli dolok. Empat.. or tiga tahun lepas, masa ya kmk meli nya tahun 2010.

Kmk mun makei kasut, bukan nak membangga dirik or ngegeh nak ngeso, tapi honestly, kmk nang "cermat" makei. Or.. perhaps word nok sesuai kali, bagus2 makei. Sebab nak madah cermat sik juak, kmk makei kasut tok ke sine2 jak, bejalan ke pasar ka, g balit kampong ka, bersukan ka even masok utan.

Tp pagi tok tek, udah kmk cuci kasut ya. Harap2 dapat balit karer sevibrant masa kmk mula2 beli dolok. Sebab kmk nyuci k omo Daya bah. Mun d ekot iklan d tibi, nang karer nya jadi terang balit. Mun sik juak, nang bebulak la iklan dlm tibi ya.. LOL!

So anyways..

Kmk nang jenis malas nak bebeli duak tiga igek kasut. Yang penting rasa selesa, kmk senang hati makei, even if design nya simple jak yet d mata kmk nya kacak. Sigek jak cukup. Mun ngekot apa d padah Gandalf dlm LOTR, "One shoe to use it all". umm.. whatever that meant la. You get it right? Selagik current kasut kmk maseh belom rosak or ancor d pakei, kmk akan still makei nya sampei la kasut ya totally rosak, only then kmk meli baru.

Bayangkan jak previous kmk nok tok:

Kamek meli tok tahun 2007. Then baru tukar ke kasut nok current tok. So kira2 empat tahun kmk makei. To be exact 26/10/2007 kmk meli, nok kmk makei nek tok 05/09/2010 tarikh kmk meli. How do i know that? Dlm exif data gambar ya ada madah bah. So nak madah kmk bebulak, nang xdpt la. Sebab setiap gambar yg d ambik ada exif data ya madah bila gambar ya d ambik.

i guess, you can say that kmk jenis loyal. One is enough. xperlu carik banyak2. Mun banyak2 kelak susah nak jaga. Why mok byk2? Sigek ya jak dah boleh d embak ke sine2. Xperlu la nak byk2 pakei ngeso nak owh? Hehe.. What on earth am i talking about?

Saja jak engkah allegory ya sia, or simple terms, double meaning bah. Whether you get it or not, up to you to read it again.

Of course kmk cerita tentang kasut. What else? LOL.

Home With Dada.

Video tok adalah time lapse video dari sorang husband khas d polah utk bini nya, utk memberik tauk bini nya, apa d polah nya ngan their baby son time bini nya keja.

Nang best.


Maybe.

Someday in the future, when kmk have a son of my own, perhaps kali i would do the same... or perhaps it may even be much much more awesome. Why? Because kmk tok in a way, never really "grown up"!

Bwahahaha!

Serious, even nektok kmk maseh maok beli menan menan, nok time kmk masa kecik dolok xpernah ada, walaumacamnegine pun kmk coba pujok, majuk ngan either one of my parents utk beli. Hehe..

Apatah lagik time udah keja tok, ada duit kedirik, mcm2 jak mok d beli. Although nektok taste dah lain la, menan menan nok sophisticated, or more towards gadgetry.

Well, someday..

Someday.

via PetaPixel.

Al Fatihah.

Al Fatihah.

Ari Sabtu tok tek nang seluruh ahli keluarga kmk org nerimak berita yang paling sik d sangka2. Ninek kmk ninggal. Ofkos, mun org tauk berapa umo nya, which was around 92(bukan exactly, she could be a lot older), org akan madah biasa lah ya org tua.

Tapi, ninek kmk nak kata fully sehat sik juak la, tapi nang sehat, xda sakit2 kronik or apa2 sakit2 mengancam nyawa nok sewaktu dgn ya. Bena. Nya nang maseh sehat jak.

Malah bukan nak eksen or molah cerita, ingatan nya pun maseh bagus juak, sampei kan nama2 hampir kesemua cucu2 nya maseh ingat, or perhaps even cicit2 nok slalu ngagak nya pun maseh ngelala. Jangan kan lagik kmk nok nang masa kecik manjak ngan nya tok. Kmk tok juak slalu d carik nya, mun nya d Miri tok.

Nang terkejut ngan terkilan juak. Sebab ari Sabtu tok tek, cdak aunty2 ngan uncle2 ada turun ke kampong makan 20 hari ninggal aunty kmk. Before cdak keluarga d Miri mok balit petang, nya ekot breakfast pagi ya, bercerita d khemah luar, even ptg ya cdak aunty kmk cerita sbelom cdak balit, nya ada nunggu tepi jalan melambei.

Sbena nya, ninek kmk mok ngekot balit ke Miri, sbb lamak udah d kampong bah, tapi udak kmk madah jgn dolok, alang2 mkn 40 hari baruk balit. Then masok Maghrib, nya madah nya penin palak. Nya d urut cdak kazen kmk. Tiba2 jak nafas nya, putus2, bila dak kazen kmk lain rasa, nunggah udak kmk time ya baruk abis mandik.

Sempat juak kazen ngan udak kmk membisik duak kalimah syahadah ngan nya, abis d baca, xda gik nya.

Kmk sekeluarga time ya baruk xlamak balit bejalan, mak udah begoreng ikan juak. Bila terimak telepon madah berita ngejut tok tek. Lalu sengaut kmk org balit. Udah lah jalan ke kampong pun jaik juak, duak kali sangkut kereta kazen kmk kat jeraya kenak becak tanah, tepaksa betolak dalam ujan begelap juak lagik. Nang berat dugaan kmk org nak balit emergency.

Nak padah cerita jak la, apa2pun kmk org tepaksa redha. Dah ketentuan nya kedak ya. Sbena nya tahun tok tek, kira nya kmk org nak molah doa selamat, kumpol seluroh keluarga ramei2, nyambut ari jadi ninek kmk tok, even if tarikh sebena lahir xbetol, tauk jak org dolok2, sijil lahir belom ada bah time ya. Sebab nya antara generasi terakhir org tua2 tulen kampong nok memang asal sia yang maseh ada.

Xsangka juak la. Camtok permulaan tahun tok.

Time kmk agik kecik dolok, masa umah maseh d Pujut nun. Nya la selalu merik kmk duit meli donut kat kantin dekat skolah utk breakfast, or masa kmk kecik kmk nyebut donut ya "kueh gelang". Mun kmk merajuk ka apa ngan bpk or mak kmk, nya la mujok kelak nya meli kueh gelang. Sampei kinek tok, ya memang faveret kueh kmk. Agik kecik memang kmk nang manjak ngan nya. Cuma bila kmk udah sekolah menengah, nya dah xdiam ngan kmk org, kmk pun diam asrama juak, then bila dah besar kerja tok, jarang jak kmk ngagak.

Paling terharu kmk, bila masa bantuan rakyat satu malaysia dolok. Sempat juak nya ngagak kmk ke opis utk ngambik bantuan ya. Even bila staff kmk, ngan uncle & aunty moq kmk yg neman nya ngagak ke opis nyuruh nya tunggu jak debah xperlu nait ke tingkat atas, nya maseh berkeras mok ngagak kmk d atas. Sbena nya kmk xtauk cdak tiga org nak ngagak. xtauk langsung.

Tapi x sangka, nangga nya senyum bila ngga kmk kerja, gembira & terkejut & terharu, lalu rasa. Sebab nya sanggup mok nait tanggak semata2 mok ngga kmk time kmk kerja. Sempat nya nasehat kmk supaya kerja bait2.

Bila naip2 kenangan kedak tok, macam2 jak kenangan dari kmk kecik sampei ke besar masok lam palak. Sedih balit kmk. Ne nok kmk molah nya terkejut palak kmk lukak kenak cangkul masa main harta karun ngan kazen kmk, ne nok kmk kenak sengat penyengat masa main kat pokok bunga d kampong nun, ne nok nya nanyak kmk bila gik nak kawen bila kazen kmk kawen.. macam2 la.. smua ada.

Gine nak molah la. Ajal maut d tangan tuhan. Yang penting nektok, kmk org sekeluarga cuma dapat, sedekah kan ngan nya doa yang banyak2 utk nya. Semoga nya d tempat kan d kalangan org2 yang beriman.

Amin.

When Cats Attack

Lari!



Meow.. Hahaha..

The Future We Dont Know

Oh well, now that DOOMSDAY sik jadi tek 21 December 2012, so what are we gonna do now ey? Now that kita udah masok ke tahun baru 2013 tok. As for  me, back to my usual self la kali, back to being sad and lonely.. lol..

Hahahaa..

i'm kidding. But then again, although tahun tok.. err.. i meant tahun lepas 2012, tahun that i can say mostly quiet or xda anything major happening, it is a disappointing year overall for me. If kmk mok engkah or put my year in a single sentence or ayat, kmk would say that tahun 2012 is "The year of broken dreams and lost hopes".

Because..

Sebab nya, banyak resolutions yang kmk coba polah or just hopes utk polah/start mok polah, kmk either completely and totally forgot about it, or kmk just xda polah langsung. And byk juak harapan yang just tinggal harapan.

Such as:

Kesihatan.

1. Jaga makan: hehe.. part tok kmk nang langsung xda pikir langsung.. er.. secara langsung?! Kmk nang continue eats secara xsihat, aka lots of junk foods, lots of fast foods, lots of fried foods.. etc. Kmk rasa you guys gets the point. Perut pun dah slightlt boroi. Slightly. SLIGHTLY!

2. Jaga tidor: wut?! did i put that in my last year resolutions? yeah you did moron.. aok, kmk ada planning utk jaga tidor kmk last year, or AT LEAST sleeps at a regular time dalam bahasa English. Tapi.. nope xda.

3. Ambik Supplement: Since that kmk nang jenis milih makan and makan secara xsehat, mak kmk nasehaat kmk from time to time utk at least ambik supplement vitamins utk cover nutriens nok kmk xda, ada polah tapi ya la tek, hangat taik ayam, stengah tahun awal jak kmk polah, then xda gik. Ya pun start tgh tahun kmk mpun financial dah xbrp bagus.

4. Eksesais: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! tek kunun mok start eksesais, since that bpk kmk ada meli beskal eksesais utk nya, kunun la kmk tek mok makei benda ya utk eksesais semadi udah benda ya ada d rumah, xperlu becarik ke Gym gik bah.




Part kesihatan tok nampak nya kmk perlu BROUGHT FORWARD, utk buang keboroian. Hahaha..

Keewangan.
Part tok tahun tok.. err.. tahun lepas.. maseh sama juak ngan tahun 2011 previously, by the time ujong tahun tok tek(2012), simpanan kmk dah abis. Entah camne nya leh jadi camya kmk pun xtauk. Fault nya partly sebab kmk xjaga bebena part miscellaneous spending. Aie.. part spending perkara2 nok remeh temeh bah, yang kita nang take for granted, walaupun nilai amaun nya kecik tapi once added up, byk sebena nya.

Sebab kmk xda spend ngan benda2 yang xberapa perlu utk tahun lepas macam handphone ka apa gadget ka. Yala sedih bila kira2 budget ujong tahun lepas tek, heran ngan sedih, sebab terpaksa ngeluar simpanan utk cover apa semua yang perlu d cover.

Yes, aok, simpan k kawen pun abis juak.. hahaha.. Not that i want to marry this soonest of time, tapi kmk just mok put aside bah, ne tauk tetiba jak ada org maok ngan kmk, at least ada k simpan utk belanja apa smua. Yup tahun tok kmk nang back to square one, utk part tok.

One small small small positive thing yang kmk leh ambik dari cara kmk spending tahun lepas ialah kmk xda beli barang2 xperlu.

Oh wait.. baruk ingat, kmk ada spend lebih sikit time family holiday ke Sabah last year, ya pun bebeli baju, but that is acceptable i guess la, sebab baju2 kmk, especially utk jalan2 ka or utk special occasion nang xda, smua lapok2 ngan outdated. LOL! Mun fashion police ngga baju kmk nang d tunok cdak kali. Hahaha.. But kmk rasa kmk exclude tok la, sbb skali tok jak kmk spend byk utk pakaian, sebab kmk nang jarang bebeli baju2/sluar2 baru, beberapa tahun skali jak.

Again, tahun tok back to square one. Lebih2 lagik kmk nak bercarik rumah tahun tok. BROUGHT FORWARD lagik la tok.

Ish..

Impian.
Tok partly career wise or dreams wise or whatever la. Kmk dreams utk jadi penulis, start dari kecik gik. And kmk intended to finish kmk mpun buku sajak yang dah maybe 10 tahun d tangguh. Sebab nya kmk start nulis nya 2001 and dreams utk self publish nya, tapi xda langsung d siap2. Kinek tok cara utk self publish byk bah, lam internet byk ada jak cara2 yang boleh, kmk pun udah register ngan Amazon, tapi sikap kemalasan ngan procrastination kmk ya lom dapat d kikis.

At least la mok usaha, ne tauk rezeki d sia nak owh? Walaupun xjadi penulis "berjaya", asal dpt publish ke ebook pun ok juak bah.

Again part tok BROUGHT FORWARD juak.

Love.
But of course.. Apa lah hidup tok mun xda rasa cinta dalam hati. Kata org mun cinta ngan manusia mmg akan rasa kecewa, true. Yes, but kmk pun manusia juak bah, bukan nya robot, dah  fitrah, memang la mok bercinta ngan manusia juak. Although kekecewaan ya mmg xdpt d elak, but pengajaran ya hopefully mendewasakan kmk.

i may not get what i want, but yeah, finally i have managed to let it go, udah. Finally. Xda lagik kmk perlu hang into/hold onto something yang never will be in the first place.

For years and years and years and years, kmk put myself in that pain, yes, letting go is so much hurting tapi it is much much much much much much much much more hurtful and damaging utk holding onto sesuatu nok never will be.

Like i said, pengalaman mendewasakan, i guess at this point of age, kmk dah xterlalu memejal gilak, in a way?! Maybe la, or camya la.. i guess kmk dah xterlalu berharap like i used to. i know that kmk tok not that ideal kind of guys, with my social awkwardness, my self insecurity and mcm2 lagik la negative quality yang kmk ada, so i am not too hopeful kata org. If there's a girl nok maok ngan kmk, i guess i am a lucky guy. Maybe she sees something in me that i don't. Yeah, sounds too negative. Rasa nya kmk slowly turns into pesimistik.

Wait.. i guess kmk udah jadi seorg pesimis, yes not a good trait. Certainly not good, but i guess if it helps utk have that shield for my heart, so being a little pessimist not gonna hurt la i guess.

Okay la.. Okay la.. of course kmk will be hopeful, but in a right way and not just too hopeful. HAHA.. Bak kata lagu,"What will be, will be".


The Future We Don't Know

But whatever it is. Utk 2013, kmk will try to be optimistik. Even though to be honest dalam hati kmk, kmk wants to prepare for the worst utk tahun tok which is a pesimistik way, but, bila kmk pikir balit nak masa bangun tidor pagi tadik, just be grateful, byk gik org lebih susah hidup nya dari kmk. At least kmk ada rumah, ada kerja tetap, ada kereta, well.. kmk should be thankful and grateful much more.

So..

2013 tok, what ever happens for good and or for the bad, dengan izin Allah, i will be do my best for the future, however it may be and be grateful for apa nok kmk udah ada. InsyaAllah, if kmk do good, be good, be grateful everything will turn out ok.

Amin.