Tringat last Monday, something that is so unexpected so early in the morning. Even though it abruptly woke me from my sleep, but it made me smile. Thinking about it nektok made me smile from ear to ear.
Stay with me, please? i am here if you need me.
Hahaha.. wishful thinking.
Well, my weekend was the same old same old.. still nothing yang to be excited about. Saturday, stengah hari mengabis pagi dgn tdor. Actually dah bgn awal, lam kul 6am giya. Ngga jam, terpikir "Maseh awal tok," sambung balit, then bgn gik kul 730am. Pkir gik, sambong lok stengah jam kakya mandik then g breakfast.
Pasya bangun last2 dah kul 1230pm. kuang.. kuang.. kuang.. Kakya sik jadi plan mok kluar. Ada juak rasanya mok g brunch ka apa, then xda kwn nak d embak, alu xjadi. So the whole Saturday just lunch dgn mee sedap jak.
Hahaha..
So yesterday morning was the first time kmk pegi ngundi. Pegi ngan cousin2, sama2 juak kmk org first time. Ya jak la crita hujung minggu. Sbena nya ada juak rasa nak g ngga Iron Man 3 lepas ngundi, dgr org madah crita ya best, and again.. xda geng, so duk umah jak la.. hahaha..
Nektok maseh nggu apa full result GE#13 tok.
Bukan nya apa nggu announcement public holiday jak. xda lain. sapa xmok nak owh? Dpt juak nambah sehari gik cuti kmk tok. Hehe..
Anywho, in my head right now, thinking,"how i wish that i could stay up late with someone special watching this together."
So marek ngan ritok kmk cuti. After 5 bulan, kmk baru cuti. Cuti pun maseh byk juak lagik. So smua hari yg kmk start rilexing dari 1 May riya, 5 hari la smua nya termasok weekend tok kelak. Cuma nok xbest nya, xda plan g cne2. Just dudok umah jak, main game, ngga YouTube, "kemas bilit" and of course, paling penting: tidor petang, bukan slalu dpt nak owh.. then mlm susah mok tidor..
Hahaha..
Ritok tek, lekak anta adik kmk pegi keja, g breakfast skejab mkn roti canai. Rasa nya lmk udah sik mkn roti canai awal pagi weekdays, memandang kan kerja non stop jak spanjang 5 bulan tok. Bukan nya apa, kmk give way bah org lain cuti, sbena nya spatutnya kmk ada cuti juak last month, tapi atas sebab2(kerja juak & ada org emergency leave) kmk mpun cuti brought forward, so come to this day la.
Anyways, masa kmk dudok mkn consentret sambel main candy crush, ada beberapa org laki dudok sbelah, xlmk dgr cdak tetak2, duhal cdak ya tek ngenjen ada mpuan yg boleh tahan juak cute nya dudok d meja sberang. kmk sik juak lalek, tp nok molah kmk rasa sikit suk, bila cdak laki dah crita2 sama cdak sndirik, kmk rasa mcm kenak perati.
you know that feeling. then kmk jelin skejab si mpuan ya tek, duhal nya tgh ngusha kmk(i know.. i know.. perasan santan jak kmk sbena nya) senyum jak la kmk, skali nya senyum juak.. so kira kompom la nya perati kmk.. hehe.. perasan.. perasan.. nok cali nya, si mpuan ya mkn sorg2 jak.. impossibru? biasa nya mpuan cute2, kacak2, lawa2 xda mkn sorg2.. mustahil kata org melaya.. i honestly don't know.. sbb xda juak peneman ngagak dudok mkn dgn nya..
kmk pun cun2 juak dah abis mkn, time kmk byr, jelin kmk nya skali gik, senyum lagik nya ngan kmk.. again, i know.. i know.. nang perasaan kmk yang perasantan ya.. kali ada bekas kari or roti tetinggal kat mulut ka kali, kat baju ka kali, or aek tetumpah kat sloa ka kali.. ada juak kmk ngecheck bila dlm keta, tp xda juak..
yala dlm hati kmk mikir,
"maseh ada juak daya penarik kmk tok, ingak tek udah basik"
hahaha..
maybe kmk should get out more nak owh? ne la tauk dlm pada masa ya, jumpa la aher nya dgn jodoh.. hahaha.. lawak 20sen kata kita biak dolok marek.. ok la biak baya kmk dolok marek..
then again, *PART EMO TOK*
i can only say that i have nothing to give. i am neither good looking nor am i wealthy. Cuma yang pasti jak, when i love, i love completely. when i care, i care deeply. when i missed someone, i missed them dearly. ya pun entah, samada a gift or a curse.
as one thing that kind of annoys me, it feels sometimes like that i am just a transit. oh well, maybe i am WRONG. of course la i am definitely wrong, but just that, kmk feels this way.
it is unfortunate that kmk rasa yg i am only needed only for feeling in jak, you know, utk ngisik ruang sementara jak la bah..
i know kmk shouldn't think this way.
~sigh~
i guess the reason that kmk start dah balit emo tgh tgh mlm tok is, kmk is thinking of someone, yeah, even if mmg mustahil ngan impossible, kmk just hope that somebody out there is thinking of me too..
Can't help it, but is thinking of you, even though dekat2 mok tdor tok. Should be sleeping by now, but the fact that you just cross my mind just now, just makes me sigh..
i know it is highly unlikely that you'd be thinking of me. Then again, the fact of life, you can't have all that you wish for.
Have ktk org(my imaginary reader/s) ever in a situation where, you so "desperately" wanted to text or chat or call the person that is currently occupying your mind tapi x maok nampak desperate or needy or CRAZY?
Have you?
Have you?
No?
i thought so, mmg la kmk ajak. LOL..
Because.
kmk is an idiot like that. Pathetic and idiotic.
Kmk dah, prepare la things to say or what kmk think that should sounds normal to say, in me head. Even kmk repeatedly ulang2 dlm palak, just to perfect it, just so that kmk xsalah cakap maybe, or... something.
Plus kmk ada taip udah dlm henfon, dlm notes, just in case kmk need to tukar ka sikit2 ka camne.
i KNOW!
Stupid right?
Then again, xda juak kmk sent or do it. i KNOW! Stupid right?!
Kmk nang such a mess la. Which if a girl to not want me after knowing this, its okay la i guess. i know that i am not a good example of a guy anyways.
Although the only thing that kmk really wanted to say is:
is thinking of someone right now too. yeah, cuma dpt ya jak la, thinking of.. missing..
does she feels the same? highly unlikely.
Wishful thinking..
wishful thinking jak la..
Even though kmk is in a really down ngan depressed mood lately, hopefully.. actually, ada sbena nya someone out there IS thinking and missing kmk tok. Just maybe kmk tok yg too blind to notice.
and sticking to that notion..
Truth be told. i have a bad self esteem and self confidence issues. issues with myself. issues that kmk have for the somewhat the most of my life. Imagine this, where in some situation, whatever it is, in that perticular situation one would, normally for most normal person, one get a confidence boost, tapi mun kmk it would happen the exact opposite with me.
Well, there is someone like to "flirt" with me. The reason kmk engkah "..." adalah sebab in my completely somewhat deranged and PERASAN mind, that kmk think she might "flirt" with me. Haha.. Sbb the way she is when she is with me. The thing that she does is both flattering and scares me both at the same time.
Flattering: Of course la... if ada someone secantik(sekacak: bhs melayu swk), have complete confidence with herself, ngan elegantly independent, suddenly "flirt"(PERASAAN PERASAN KMK LA) or treat me differently, kmk rasa suk, or simply feeling good. Truthfully la, kmk suka like that. kmk really seriously appreciates it so much. hmm.. "suka like that"? haha..
Scares:YES. like kmk said previously, i have a bad self esteem and self confidence issues with myself. i am easily discourage ngan easily loose keyakinan ngan dirik sendirik. Why? Sounds stupid right? Well partly because i am stupid. Haha.. Because in me head, kmk heran, what does she sees in me? You know, when kmk sees nothing that is of good quality in myself. i know, that self degrading is not good. But kmk subconsciously do that to myself sometimes.
Yang kmk heran she is so so so much better than me. Kmk rasa that kmk is not worthy of her, and yet, this beautiful beautiful beautiful person, is ya Allah, treats me so good and giving me the attention that kmk don't even should d berik in first place. Bless her! and THAT FUCKING SCARES ME!
Hahaha..
Perhaps scares is too much of a strong word. kmk rasa intimidated paling sesuai. Mun dlm BM intimidated would probably suited ngan "segan". tapi segan mpun meaning xsebrapa kuat. in my opinion la. But i hope that you guys my imaginary readers would understand la. KALI.
Yes, beautiful, confident and independent woman, intimidates me. SERIOUS.
Because..
Kmk am not any of that. i am immature, low self esteem and unreliable "man". Sucks. i know. Kmk feels that kmk don't deserve such attention from such a beautiful beautiful beautiful person. kmk don't deserve any of it.
YET.
The more she does it, the more she stole(and stealing) something from me. Well....
Sometimes i can't just help it but kmk like to imagine that perhaps someone would missed me, just as kmk thinking tentang org ya. Wishful thinking. Wishful thinking but hopefully in an alternate universe, ada org serupa kmk dlm dunia ya. That kmk dlm dunia ya when kmk have someone in mind and missing that person, the person would feel the same.
It may not happen in this reality, but if such a thing wujud, harap2 la kmk dlm dunia ya would be in love and be love.
Sometimes ngan kadang2 nak, kmk just want just to hold her tightly and xmok lepas, but.. tapi, apa yang kmk paling maok ialah nya pun xmok lepas kmk juak. Sama2 xmok lepas. Sama2 sayang.
She knows that i love her so much.
She knows it is still the same.
After all these years.
Dengar lagu tok tek d main adik kmk dlm kreta balit keja. Honestly muka nya yg terus ada muncul dlm palak bila dgr lirik lagu tok. Sebab sigek nok calie nya, ada dlm lirik lagu tok d polah kmk kadang2.
Say i love you,When you're not listening,
kmk pun giya juak.
whenever nya ngga tmpt lain ka, or just melimpas ka apa, or mun ngga nya ka apa, kmk just quietly whisper (dgn dirik sendirik) "i love you so much tauk sik?" AS IF mdh dgn nya. Although sebena nya cakap sorg dirik jak. Hehehe..
ingat tek kmk sorg jak molah benda sewel tok. Duhal Christina Perri pun sama juak. Tauk x torg kebanyakan lagu nya adalah dari pengalaman nya sendirik? So ingat tek kmk sorg sott, ada juak geng femes sott juak. Hahaha..
Cuaca nektok yang panas gila, tambah gik dgn jerebu dah molah pertahanan imunisasi badan kmk kalah. Bangun pagi tek, badan dah start rasa sik nyaman. Aek nok besa nya sik berapa sejok, rasa sejok gila, time ya la kmk tauk, sik lamak lagik nang datang la rasa demam ya kelak.
Tengah hari time lunch, brg makan dah start xda rasa, selera sekejab ada sekejab sik, bukan nya apa, lapar juak bah, so terpaksa mkan mun sik nang kelaparan la sampei petang. kmk cepat2 ngabis barang makan sebab palak dah start rasa sik betol. Minum 100 Plus ada la nolong ngurang rasa xbest lam badan.
Then tdor sekejab coba mok ngilang rasa hang palak. Bila sambung balit keja, kenak gik aircond fullblast, makin jadi rasa mok demam.
Ya Allah, jaga lah dirik nya, smoga selamat & sihat walafiat. Jaoh kan lah segala kejahatan manusia dari nya. Murah kan lah rezeki nya, berikan lah petunjuk dlm idup nya, smoga nya sentiasa d jalan yg benar.
Sesungguh nya xpat d ungkapkan lagik betapa sayang nya kmk ngan nya ya.
Gurl, ktk tauk x, when you smile at me today, ktk tauk sik, that you make my heart melt?
Yeah, i know.
Kmk tok nang bodoh bah, mala jak suka beremo sorg dirik. Then again i am that stupid bah.
Nak owh?
You know la kan.
But gurl, ktk la my dream girl. Try hard as i may to let go, kmk xpat.
even the day i told you.
kmk nang sayang ktk gilak bah, tauk sik?
Ngga your sweet smile again tek.
Ya Allah.
Who am i kidding?
i love you, you know i do.
And it will always be.
Please don't go.
i need you.
p/s: can't sleep. maybe kick dari capuccinno tek lom abis gik. hopefully tdor nya nyenyak mlm tok. ya Allahifreakinglovehersomuch.
