Dah telelap tek sbena nya, tp laptop maseh on. terbgn.. who's the first person cross my mind? who else? my sweet sweet princess. she probably tdor dah nektok.
hrp2 tdor nya nyenyak. hopefully ada mimpi best. preferably of me. :)
kmk hrp what ever it is that's troubling her mind, is gone udah by now.
sometimes, kmk wish that she could somehow share a little bit, what ever it is. ne tauk la nak, kmk can be of
help.
but doesnt matter la, if she wants to, i am always here for her. someday mayb kali she will..
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so anyways.
tek ptg/mlm kwn kmk post tok:
“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…
I could walk through my garden forever.” — Alfred Lord Tennyson
then kmk fikir, "oh fuck. nang bena"
mun la bena2 kmk ngumpul sigek bunga utk setiap kali kmk terfikir/teringat, much like nektok la, nang boleh d jadikn jejambat dari Lutong tok sampei ke Bulan nun kali.
No matter how brief,
No matter how little,
No matter how simple,
When it's with you,
i always cherish every moment,
every minutes,
every seconds,
For these priceless moments with you,
Is heaven sent.
p/s: lelah keja ilang skelip mata. lalu inspired mok molah sigek simple poem. mlm tok mok tdor with a smile. and mimpi ktk. (no kmk bukan datang sewel, i'm just happy) sweet dreams gurl.
Even though walaucamnegine lamak(somewhat la) kmk dah kenal & kwn(just as friends jak *sad face*) dgn nya. Her voice still and always captivates me.
Alaaa..
You know..
that feeling bah, yg kita rasa bila dgr sora org nok kita sayang ya. hati bedebar2. senyum otometik klua. kadang2 words or kata2 pun xtkeluar nak madah apa. ok la, mayb the last part is just me. Yes i am that retarded.
Goosebumps kata org puteh.
Bukan siri cerita seram kanak2 lam tibi TV2 ari Sabtu kul 9am jaman 90an dolok:
apa torang xtauk? WHAT THE HELL?!
then you have SHITTY childhood i tell you. SHITTY. (kidding okay)
tok la crita feveret kmk time kmk agik kecik2 dolok.
Goose bumps, adalah suatu reaksi badan cthnya mcm berdiri bulu roma, besa nya berkait dgn emosi/ingatan/pengalaman mun ada sesuatu kejadian/situasi berlaku ngan kita. (besa nya crita seram) TAPI bukan sora nya molah kmk rasa seram. Goose bumps sik semestinya smua tentang rasa seram.
tapi reaksi kita bah.
cam kmk ritok tek. kmk didnt notice she was near, then hearing her voice, bukan tekejut. tekejut is not the exact word. nor is excited. excited ya telebeh sudah. bagi kmk goose bumps is accurate. or bhs pasar nya, cun-cun.
sbb reaksi kmk, jantong terus bedebar, mulut senyum, and although kmk dgr apa nok d tyk nya, and yes kmk fhm and understood, tp jwpn nok keluar dr mulut kmk ya adalah sungguh bodoh skali. nope xperlu la d ketahui apakah itu.
i LOVE hearing her voice.
dah la hujan2 mlm tok. sejok. hrp nyenyak & mimpi nya gik. :p
sbelom tdor, mejin jak dgr nya mdh, "goodnite & sweet dreams" ngan kmk.
perhaps, mayb somehow, somewhere, dlm alternate universe, nya mdh ngan kmk kedak ya.
Still. ya la d maok kmk, someday, mayb, hopefully, kmk la the one that she can happily say goodnite to.
p/s: Hey gurl, goodnite & sweet dreams k. love you.
Cuti2 tok nang best. Unfortunately, start dari ari Sabtu riya kmk bangun pagi dah kenak sakit palak. Nya x sakit gilak mcm pening palak besa, nok palak rasa mok pecah or nok rasa palak cam berdenyut2. tapi mun kmk diam sekejab, ada rasa cam tekanan rah belah belakang kiriek.
nya x ngaco gilak tapi badan & mood rasa lemah jak, xdpt kerja keras gilak. sbb plan sebena nya nang mok ngemas bilit. rasa kali sbb salah posture tdor ka apa entah la.
Then kmk mok eksperimen utk x mkn panadol, paracetamol or aspirin. Terpaksa tahan jak giya. kmk coba byk kn minum aek sejok juak sebab badan rasa mok panas2 juak ada, rasa nya mcm mok start demam. tapi kmk lawan juak. kmk set dlm palak, even though susah, kmk set kan spy sakit palak tok ilang sendirik, xperlu mkn ubat.
tapi masalah nya kmk byk kn tdor jak la. dekat setengah hari hari sabtu ngan ari minggu kmk just tdor2 jak. mok lawan sakit palak ya.
Hasil nya? SUKSES! cuma terbuang jak la masa dua hari. but mcm la kmk ada mok g sine2. mun jln sorg2 lejuk juak. slalu gilak jln sorg2. at least mun ada kuar ngan nya xjuak boring.
camya jak la ari sabtu ngan ari minggu kmk abis giya jak. :(
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ptg tek d umah kazen. ngurus kn atorcara kawen nya bulan 3 tok kelak.
macam besa kmk, adik, & adik sidak nya akan jadi photographer.
dlm bincang2 tok. terkenang kesah camne kazen kmk ngan gerek nya leh jadi. nya duak sama skolah. kalau xsalah ingat kmk, si mpuan ya nang berminat ngan kazen kmk tok dari dolok gik. tp kazen kmk just kwn besa2 jak ngan nya.
sigek karakter kazen kmk tok, nya jenis ilek2 jak mpun org. xda lawa2 or xda mok nunjok2 mpun laki. nang simple & ilek jak. kmk think la ya sigek kali sbb si mpuan ya suka ngan nya.
nok best nya, cara si mpuan ya ngambik hati kazen kmk ya xketara. contoh nya mun sidak kluar ramei2 ngan kwn sama skolah, nya yg ajak kazen kmk. kalau x salah ingat kmk la. then mun nya update gmbr lam facebook, grenti kazen kmk ada d tag nya.
xda nok ketara. then suddenly jak kazen kmk terimak nya. ok, mayb not suddenly la. mayb there is something already there cuma belom berbunga sepenuhnya kata org. then last year both of them dah confirm utk take the next step. she converted kakya bertunang. and the rest is kata org history. the future is hopefully nya duak bahagia sampei ke aher hayat. Amin.
Then, dlm riuh2 planning2 ya, kmk tringat ngan nya. xda org lain yg kmk maok utk sama2 merasa situasi kedak tok juak. nang nya jak la. camne ndak ka kmk duak time ya. (mejin jak la)
ada juak rasa jeles ngan kazen kmk, sbb kesah nya ya nang best. si mpuan nang syg ngan kazen kmk ya sampei kn kira nya ya pun nggu juak hati kazen kmk terbuka utk nya. kazen kmk pun nang betuah bebena dpt org nok syg ngan nya camya.
mun la kmk duak camya juak.
oh well..
wishful thinking jak la kata org puteh.
loving her is all yg kmk dpt polah jak la.
selebeh nya the future holds.
dah la mlm2 tok ujan2 gik. kmk pun belom dpt tdor juak gik.
i miss her so much. especially mun ujan2 camtok, teringat kn status cali2 yg slalu d polah nya. hehe..
p/s: mun dpt kmk mok pdh ngan nya dlm bentuk poem:
Bye2 RM500. smoga org yg dpt kau ya lebih memerlukan. (FUCKYOU)
Time2 camtok la best ada org ngan mok mengadu ketidak puasan hati tok. Damn, i miss those days that she and i can cerita just about everything. right now kmk need someone just utk dgr to my silly silly godawful whine. She could just nodded her head and kmk will just be as grateful as equally mun she reply.
Oh well.
maseh rasa xpuas hati. how the fucking hell did i get so fucking careless?
fuck! fuck! fuck!
damn.
damn shit.
Oh how i wish kmk can talk to her about my bad fucking day. kmk know she'll understand how it felt. kmk xmintak nya mujok kmk ka apa. just sit there and listen as kmk rage by myself.
or
she could just say, "sabar jak la."
or
she could just dudok jak sia. kmk will be fine with that.
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....
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you know what? thinking of her, somehow molah rage kmk tok slowly dissipating.
hey gurl. KMK NEED YOU!
p/s:
Ya Allah,
Wherever she is, take good care of her.
Sleep well gurl.
Pernah x torg have the busiest day?
one heck of a tiring day,
one hell of an annoying day,
yg torg rasa nak marah, tp then something happened that rasa nak manas alu ilang?
pernah x?
well, happened to me today.
in somewhat ways nya ada juak element sad juak dlm situasi kmk la.
i have had a really stupidly BUSY day.
i have had a really stupidly TIRING day.
badan x lelah tapi palak otak yg lelah.
mun dah otak lelah nak, badan lalu rasa lelah juak la.
but then IT happened.
She spoke to me.
walaupun just something really simple. a few words jak.
*sad part* bukan nya apa, kmk dah mcm xda byk bercakap ngan nya gik bah. kmk nang at lost for words mun ngga nya. kmk xtauk apa mok d klaka. mun dolok, nang apa2 jak boleh cerita. *sad pat*
tapi.
Ya Allah. nengar sora nya, ilang rasa lelah otak.
ilang rasa tensen.
ilang rasa nak manas(tek konon, actually kmk xpandei nak manas: BENA)
What she said/asked kmk xda apa2 sbena nya. but kmk rasa mcm dah lamak bebena xbercakap ngan nya.
Kmk pun satu juak, senyum jak, xtauk mok respon camne. Entah ada ka sik kmk jawab ka balas ka...
sumpah xingat. langsung.
yg kmk ingat bebena. perasaan dari hati bila dengar her voice. mcm mok melompat jantong dari dada.
Her voice. nang...
bagi kmk mun dengar..
cukup la,
bak kata org puteh. MAKE MY DAY.
"Ya Allah. Blessed her life. For she has made me feel the joy of life. Even if it is for a brief moment. Blessed her with happiness. Blessed her."
She wasso beautiful today.
senyuman nya melts me. to the core.
senyuman nya make me so happy even though skejab jak.
you know.
because of the reality. of kmk nang hanya lah akan jadi pemerhati.
rasa cam baruk jatuh hati jak.
macam.
ya Allah, ya Allah, ya Allah.
i LOVE that woman so freaking damn much.
tapi kmk harus ngan mesti sedar, kmk xboleh penting kn dirik sendirik.
kmk xpat maksa nya terimak kmk.
nya pun dah ada pilihan hati nya sendirik.
ya Allah.
my GOD.
benda tok dah brapa taun kmk ulang2 ulang2 ulang2 ulang2??
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Ujan.
Ujan. Ujan tok nang mcm faham2 jak kmk tengah peras & emosi tok.
i MISS her. so so so damn much.
Ujan. rasa nya dekat sminggu dah ari tok ujan2. tapi best nya mun ujan malam2. sejok, nyaman kit mun mok tdor. (but kmk xpat tdor)
terkenang.
sbut sal ujan tok. ada sigek particular thing that she sometimes polah yg nang kmk rasa cali, lucu, gelik ati, jenaka & cute, all at the same time. usually nya akan update status lam facebook that goes something like:
"mun ujan2 camtok rasa mok kawen jak"
lam palak kmk, kmk mejin kmk balas status nya.
"i'm here gurl.. marry me.."
yup, best bah, mun ujan2 sejok camtok. cuddle up, keep each other warm. just hugging each other xlebeih dr ya. heaven. bahagia.
lam palak kmk mejin, MUN la nya terimak kmk.
nang kmk hold her tight. keep her warm. keep her safe. keep her happy.
tp ya jak la tek. just mejin jak la.
p/s: dammit gurl. kmk xpat tdor. thinking of you. missing you. (like i said, mejin jak klaka ngan nya)
Just realized.
Bok sedar.
BARUK SEDAR BENA BENA.
She already has someone else in heart & mind.
kmk nang xda tmpt lam hati nya.
oh well
nang dari dolok juak la.
oh well
but kmk will never regret.
being friends with her kakya falling deeply in love with her nang one of the best decision & best memories i'll ever had.
letting her go, although kmk still fikir nang the stupidest thing i came to conclusion, sometimes kmk rasa kmk should fight for her love, tapi then again, after trying for YEARS, and finally knowing that, kmk was never even there in her heart.
makes my decision to berenti berharap.
decision to let her go.
decision to FINALLY & ULTIMATELY GIVE UP.
decision to PUTUS ASA BENAR2.
is the best thing that kmk PATUTpolah to ensure nya bahagia.
i may not be happy.
but as long as she is. i should be.
kmk may or may not temu ngan org lain nok hampir sama cam nya. but xda sorg pun serupa nak owh?
nya is one in a million. any man is lucky bena bena bena bena bena to be chosen oleh nya.
kmk hrp she will take good care of him. and so will he. kali nya(him:whoever he is) x sedar yg he is so lucky.
jeles? ofkos. but what to do.
kmk should be happy or just FAKE a happy smile for her.
yup kmk akan start polah ya from now on. so that kmk will nampak cam tabah & dah terima takdir.
although tuhan jak tauk sakit nya.
it is so freaking painful but what to do.
"ya Allah.Tabah kan lah hati kmk tok.Byk lagik org terima dugaan lebih berat gik dari tok.Berik kan lah sikit ketabahan sidak nya ya ke kmk.Berik kan la petunjuk & hidayah ngan kmk supaya idup kmk akan sentiasa d jalan yg bena.AMIN."
You know what sucks? it is when you know there is someone that can make you happy for the rest of your life is ya nya ada in front of you tapi you can never have.
SUCKS.
that someone is her.
she is right there d depan mata.
sometimes rasa nak hold her tightly supaya nya x lari. but you know it is pointless.
sayangnya...
she was never mine in the first place.
SUCKS.
i love her the longest of time. still do.
kmk rasa xpernah kmk nahan rasa ngan seseorang selamak tok.
stiap hari kmk harap that someday, maybe, kali..
hopefully..
she'll have a changed of heart.
sayang kmk balit as i love her.
oh well. ... ... ...
unfortunately.
Ya Allah. Berik kan lah keberkatan dlm idup nya. Jaga lah halal mkn minum nya. Berik kan lah petunjuk, supaya idup nya sentiasa d jalan yg benar. Lindung lah dirik nya dari segala kejahatan dlm dunia tok. Smoga nya akan temu kebahagiaan yg d carik. Amin.
hopefully that lucky one will take good care of her.
oh well..
the good thing is she's happy with him.
Well. just saying, kecuali part no 5. kmk rasa kmk akan ulang balit azam(2011) ya utk tahun tok kelak. Contoh nya azam kmk utk molah & published buku sajak ka nang kmk dapat usaha kan semula utk 2012.
or even perhaps maybe coba utk start balit molah bisnes t shirt yg jadi angan2 kmk, nang dapat. asal kmk dpt kumpol balit modal nok perlu.
bahagian keewangan nang kmk ada lamak udah usaha utk simpan utk diri sendirik. ya nang kmk xpernah miss, nang kmk bebena tiap2 bulan kmk molah & xpernah miss. kmk nang bagik2 udah utk jangka pendek, sederhana & panjang.
sadly but honestly to say, antara kmk mpun biggest motivation utk nyimpan jangka sederhana & panjang ya adalah nyimpan utk kawen ngan nya. oh well, kita hanya lah merancang, tul x? dlm palak kmk nak, kmk mok be ready, xmok sampei masa nya kelak, sik la sakit palak mok bercarik duit. hehe..
~sigh..
so anyways.
tentang pencapaian diri ya, nang kmk akan usahakan dengan molah listing tentang apa yg kmk perlu capai kn biar pun perkara ya mudah. asal kn ada timbol rasa kepuasan dlm dirik sendirik mun sesuatu azam biarpun sekecik ne pun nya mun nya tercapai nang bangga ngan dirik sendirik.
contoh nya:
1. eksesais sminggu skali. cukup la, asal badan jadi fit balit. xla nait tangga pun lelah sa nyawa. lol..
xperlu la kmk mintak pujian dari org lain, asal kn kmk sendirik tauk usaha kmk ya akan mendatang kn hasil utk siapa lagik mun bukan kmk sendirik.
cuma part ke limak ya tek la.....
.....
kmk dah xpat nak ulang lagik, repeat lagik.
cukup la.
bukan setakat utk mengelak kn hati kmk kecewa lagik. bukan setakat utk kmk berubah. bukan setakat utk kmk teruskn hidup kmk. bukan setakat utk kmk carik ketenangan utk dirik sendirik.
tapi...
yang penting utk kebahagiaan nya.
biar la nya dpt teruskn idup nya tanpa rasa apa2 dengan kmk.
kmk akan sentiasa doakan kebaikan & kebahagiaan utk nya.
so anyways. 2012. you can bring it. i am ready for you.
p/s: kmk nang hipokrit no 1. konon tek, dah xmok berharap gik. but suddenly i MISS her so freaking badly. :(
just nak madah, even though i know that you will never ever read this, but still kmk mok imagine yg kmk klaka ngan ktk face to face(wlpn sbena nya xmungkin akan jadi, most probably lidah kmk akan just keruk) and just say this utk ktk.
i love you. i love you so much. kmk nang sayang gilak ngan ktk.
bukan stakat sayang2 camya ajak. kmk even want to marry you. kmk mok berkeluarga ngan ktk. dengan izin Allah, grow old sama2 ngan ktk. ~sigh.
unfortunately kmk tauk, ktk ada pilihan ktk sendirik. kmk nak mintak maaf ngan ktk mun selamak tok, cara kmk approach ktk nang molah ktk rasa x senang. ofkos la, kmk takut mok terlepas ktk bah.
sapa x takut, mun dah nyimpan perasaan ngan ktk dah brp tahun udah. 5 thn kali? entah la..
harapan kmk oh gurl.
if org pilihan ktk ya bait org nya. please jgn la ktk berubah hati lagik.
xperlu la ktk bercarik org lain lagik.
mun nya dpt jaga ktk. mun nya dpt berik keperluan utk ktk. mun nya bait ngan mak bapak ktk. mun nya bebena sayang ngan ktk. marry him.
jaga & sayang kan dirik nya, macam ne nya sayang & jaga ktk. kali nya mmg bagus gik dari kmk. ya kmk nang xpat mok nafi kan la.
hey gurl.
xpala. kmk xsalahkn ktk x terimak kmk. ya hak ktk utk pilih sapa nok ktk maok utk terus kn idup sama2 ktk nak owh? hehe..
kmk xmarah or benci ktk pun. i am in love with you. still is. cuma nektok kmk dah xgik nak berharap.
i give up.
kmk tauk yg ktk xkan balas cinta kmk. bok nektok kmk sedar bena2, xda guna nya kmk berharap lagik. xda guna nya kmk nggu gik.
i give up. kmk give up. kmk putus asa.
rasanya cukup la kmk sakit hati utk 5 thn tok. sakit hati means bukannya marah ngan ktk okay. sakit hati means rasa sakit fizikal bena2 yang kmk rasa rah jantong kmk
stiap kali kmk terfikir tentang ktk. setiap kali kmk rindu ktk. setiap kali kmk rasa ktk dah ada org lain.(usually nya ada) whoever he is.
aok. bena, nang bena2 sakit rasa rah jantong.
sakit mcm kenak cucok jarum.
sesak nafas.
xlalu mkn.
xpat tdor.
xda smangat.
kmk dah xmok gik nak sakit kan dirik sendirik. kmk putus asa udah.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."
Kmk x suka mun ada terbaca saying tok. sbb mun kita nang sayang seseorang nak, kita should berusaha utk dpt kn nya betul x? tapi nektok, walaupun kmk still benci mun baca tok. kmk have to let go.
kmk hv to let you go.
berhenti berharap.
demi kebahagiaan ktk.
no point utk kmk berharap & nunggu lamak gilak mun hasil nya duak2 x hepi.
tapi kmk xkan berenti utk doakn kebahagiaan ktk. slamak tok kmk nang sentiasa doa kn.
harapan kmk, mun ktk bena2 syg ngan org ya, jgn la ktk sia2 kan nya.
ofkos la jeles ya ada. sapa x. tapi kmk xmok bila ktk terimak kmk dlm keadaan tepaksa, ktk pulang yg xhepi kelak. kmk mok mun ktk terimak kmk, kita saling syg antara satu sama lain.
anyways.
terimak kaseh la selamak tok ktk tahan ngan olah kmk yg nang:
bodoh. bongok. bahlul. selfish. memaksa. ngan menyusah kan ktk.
terimak kaseh sbb ktk layan juak olah kmk ya.
terimak kaseh sbb benar kn kmk utk jatuh hati & rasa sayang ngan ktk.
insyaAllah.
kmk harap rasa utk berharap ngan ktk xkan datang lagik. i give up.
terimak kaseh byk2 oh gurl.
jaga dirik ktk bait2 k.
Smoga idup ktk sentiasa berada d jln yg benar, murah rezeki ktk, smoga idup ktk penuh dgn rahmat & bahagia sampei ke aher hayat. Amin.
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yup.
kmk dah sampei to that point.
kmk putus asa udah.
hopefully, thn baru tok kelak. xda gik la rasa berharap ya.
