Mom i'm Dying.

Haha..

Terbangun dari tido. Ritok tido awal. Tek la. Sebab kenak flu, tah dari sapa ndak ka kenak jangkit dari opis nun.
Funny thing tok la first time la kmk rasa kmk really really horrible a.k.a terok. Biasa nya xda kedak tok. Sebab kmk nektok shivering like crazy! Xpat kontrol, tapi badan panas. Siap berekon gik tok lam bilit.

Perut tetiba jak sakit lekak minum aek, maka aek ya mmg aek biasa jak, yg kmk ready sedia isik lam botol. Engkah sbelah katil mun tetiba tgh mlm haus. Semata2 malas mok ke dapo.

Dapat rasa yg muka kmk pucat, sebab bila membasah bibir tek k lidah, bibir rasa sejok gilak.

Oh ya, lupak mention. Sigek gik sebab kmk demam kmk rasa la, sebab wisdom tooth belah kirek mcm start mok klua. Sebab start dari last weekend nya mala jak berdenyut2. Please la klua cepat2, mun x, i freaking cabut you out!

Mcm2 jak fikiran & perasan flashing lam palak.

Geram.
Sakit.. Gigi.
Boring. Sebab cam lambat jak masa tok bejalan. Tapi ok juak la, byk la masa utk kmk bait kedirik. ( i hate taking medicine )

Mcm2 lagik la.

One thing that kmk most want is, hopefully out there, where ever she is, hrp2 la ada org merindui dirik tok. Apa tek kata org puteh? Just saying.

Nelatauk.

Bila ada org merindui tok, makin cepat bait demam. How i wish.....

Oh well perhaps ya palak demam kmk yang bercakap. So, just ignore it.

Till Death Do Us Part.

My story ritok ada two parts. In both happiness ngan sadness juak.

First off. The day was Jumaat, 14 December 2012.

Hariya kmk ada family dinner & function. Dinner tok best sbena nya, sbb dinner tok adalah menyambut 25(tahun) ulang tahun perkahwinan uncle & aunty kmk dari belah mak. Dua puluh lima tahun. Bukan nya sekejab tempoh masa ya, nang lamak. Tapi mun bagi org dolok2 nang xda apa2 spesel pun rasa nya la. Org dolok2 mun kawen nang kekal. Xmcm org2 kinek tok, sikit2 ada masalah, udah cerei. xkekal. Bak kata pastor nok molah blessing utk uncle & aunty kmk tok, spanjang nya jadi pastor tok, udah byk dgr masalah laki bini zaman kinek tok cepat gilak nak menyelesei masalah rumah tangga yg tah alasan nya xda keserasian lagik dgn bercerei, separation.

So nya tek berpesan dengan couple2 mudak2, or suami isteri mudak2 yg ada lam majlis dinner ya tek, ekot lah camne uncle & aunty kmk tok leh kekal selamak 25 tahun. Dengan macam2 dugaan nya, susah payah nya, sakit perit nya, suka duka nya, smua nya d tempuh bersama. Camya la sepatut nya, jangan la setegal perkara kecik2 pun nak d jadi isu besar lalu hancor rumah tangga.

Ya first part nya, second part nya, time dinner tok juak la kmk dpt berita nok nang sungguh mengejutkan juak, aunty kmk belah bpk ninggal. Kenak stroke. Lalu ari enam marek balit kmk ke kampong.

Tok pun sama juak cerita nya, cdak duak tok udah berkahwin kali lebih 25 tahun udah. Sama juak, kekal, apa macam masalah nok cdak duak hadapi d tempuh bersama2. Cdak tok lagik lamak udah bersama, memandang kan usia nya duak. Cuma nektok yang memisah kan cdak duak adalah panggilan dari Allah yang Maha Esa yang d terima oleh aunty kmk. Sedih juak ngenang camne ndak ka uncle kmk kelak sorg2 d kampong, memandang kan smua kazen2 kmk tok kerja jaoh. Tapi Alhamdullilah, uncle nang redha udah nerimak ketentuan tuhan.

Pengajaran nok kmk dapat dari duak hari tok jak, nang besar sungguh makna nya untuk dirik kmk sendirik.

By all means, kmk jaoh sekali kurang nya dari uncle2 kmk tok tek, even kurang lagik bpk kmk sendirik. kmk tauk kmk bukan lah a great man mcm cdak2 tok. i dont think kmk can be as good as a husband or a father(should that future be) mcm cdak2 tok.  Even kmk rasa kmk pun bukan nya seorang abang yang boleh d banggakan oleh adik2 kmk. i dont think kmk will be as a good man as bpk kmk or uncle2 kmk tok.

Should kmk be in the position of being a husband(bila ya xtauk la), if a woman should accept kmk sebagai suami, peneman hidup nya, kmk, akan cuba sedaya upaya kudrat kmk utk jadi yang terbaik. Tambah2 lagik dugaan alaf baru tok. macam2 ada bah nak owh?

i know that kmk tok bukan la an ideal man, byk lalu kekurangan kmk berbanding ngan laki2 yang lain. but then again, if a woman would choose kmk, for whatever reason yg nya nampak that kmk dirik sendirik xnampak, i hope that, should that day comes, kmk xkan mempersia2kannya. Amin.

Feeling Envious.

Is it just me, or it is today "Missing Someone Day". Seems that ritok newsfeed dalam facebook kmk, macam rami jak urg ngepost cdak rindu ngan seseorang. Heran juak kmk, tetiba jak byk status update kedak ya muncol dlm feed kmk.

Cth nya:

Cuma tiga tok jak yg kmk rasa rajin nak curik. Byk gik sbena nya tp kmk malas. i think org yg ada facebok pun pernah ngga juak kali keadaan kedak tok. i guess the situation is that, whenever org ngga status org lain kedak tok, org pun sama juak timbul rasa rindu dgn whoever that is dalam hati cdak nya.

Selain dari rasa heran, kmk juak sebena nya ada sikit envious juak ngga post2 kedak ya. Sbb nya, how kmk wish that someone would feel that same way about kmk. Bahkan bak kata org puteh, it would be much sweeter and fulfilling if kmk tauk who that person is, tul sik?

Yalah jak tek, key word nya: "HOW i WISH".

Actually the word envy nok kmk pakei ya tek ada mcm jaik sikit la bunyi nya, but in terms of meaning, i hope you get it la. Kmk jeles bah, sbb kmk rasa kmk don't think that kmk have been in that situation. Most of the time it is me that missing someone, but to no avail. Unfortunately but reality.

Yes, a bit sad. i know, kmk mpun life story is sad. Sorry, let me rephrase lok: kmk mpun "love life" story. i guess, kmk will always be the.. how to put nya owh? xpasti la term tok betul ka sik.. that kmk will always be just an "option" jak. You know, someone that bukan nya yg d maok but just the last option if others didn't work out. Sad right?

:(

Mmg. kmk yg naip tok pun sedih juak rasa. Hahaha.. (tetak sedih) What to do? what can i do? other than just terima jak nasib dah kedak tok. i guess, this is just the way it is at the moment. Bukan nya kmk sik mok be optimistic, but, whenever i hope, it WILL ALWAYS fail. Stupid statement but it has been this way all this years.

Ok la.
Ok la.
Ok la.

kmk shouldn't be negative much tengah2 mlm buta tok. Hehe.. kmk lamak dah sik emo bah. Have faith & keep hoping.

Some day..
Some day..

Oh well, maybe sooner or later, she'll be here. just saying jak bah, hopefully kmk x sounds so desperate..
umm.. fuck. it does, doesn't it? LOL!

Keep Breathing.

Lonely Weekend.

Yes, as usual, like my any other weekends. Cuma minggu tok jak, kmk rasa much more lonelier than previous other weekends. Entah juak lah. Serious, kmk nang rasa keseorangan gilak2. Rasa mok klua juak, just jalan2 ngilang boring.

Tapi jalan2 sorang2 lejuk udah kmk, apatah lagik tetiba jak rasa kekosongan dalam hati hujung minggu tok. Rasa juak mok carik geng2 lamak utk klua, tapi kebanyakan geng2 udah ada hal masing2. Xda ke sine2 juak la kmk, just g gunting rambut jak. Sbb dah xda apa2 nak d polah.

Nang cali juak mikir, it is not that kmk d paksa utk hidup dlm keadaan kedak tok, kmk yg molah dirik kmk kedak tok. The only person that is to be blame is myself, tul x?

Then again, the fact that kmk dah lamak lalu idup dgn cara tok, who would ever want to join me, right?

Of course i dont want to be this way "forever". i want to be of someone's company. i want to be that someone yg d carik whenever she feels lonely juak. However, kmk dont think anybody would want kmk to be that person anyway.

Kadang2 kmk just hopes that somehow perhaps kali someday someone will feel that, kmk will be the person that someone would miss, that person yg someone would feel lonely if kmk not around, that person that when i not there kmk will be on that someone's mind always, that person yg mun kmk suddenly xda someone would worry or at least la curious why. Its just that, kmk hope that someday, kmk would be loved, rather than just kmk yg the one who loved.

Unfortunately, truth be told, kmk rasa highly unlikely. Bukan nak nambah rasa down tok lagik utk dirik sendirik, but it has always been this way bah. Nak ngeluh pun, what to do. Just the story of my life.